


Shattered

by amdnj



Category: Kamen Rider Ghost
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-23
Updated: 2016-03-23
Packaged: 2018-05-28 16:05:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6335380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amdnj/pseuds/amdnj
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spoilers for Ghost up to Episode 21</p><p>Just a post of Alan's [Alain. I type it the other way] feelings after his....confrontation with Adel. </p><p>More or less a feelings post of everything up to 21 smashed together. There's some Alan/Takeru if you squint</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shattered

“Brother, why…?”

Why. _Why. Why. **Why?**_

He feels his whole essence be ripped apart and shredded just like his trust and his faith and his feelings-

Feelings that were unknown and mysterious. Something he had the whole time but didn’t. After all, he’d always felt nothing. Nothing but….a fizzling feeling in his core at his brother. Eyes rolling. Scowls and words spoken in the way his brother liked. Looks afterwards of all the things he wanted to say but knew he could not.  But there was nothing else. But maybe…a small fluttery feeling at his father’s kind words. But there was nothing else. There had been nothing else. But they were still feelings.

Especially when… things changed. Heart soaring. Nonexistent heart soaring. Specter. Feelings about …..

And weren’t those what were wrong in the first place? Feelings. Heart? Things he didn’t understand that made him wrong and alien and broken and nothing of what was expected of a Ganma Prince. Nothing like his brother who was cold and unattached a beacon of logic. No, he was bubbly feelings in his chest to be near, to be important…to be treated as an equal. Soaring and loud and static but in a way that felt pleasant. Desperation and need and a thousand words that feel like he’s drowning in everything but in a way that makes him feel like he’d never want to breathe again if he could. Fist against Fist. The look in his eyes. Fierce and determined.

And wasn’t that why? Why he changed? Why he’d stop playing brother’s soldier. Removed his military garb. For patterns and individuality. The way Specter had spoken about. The way the human world was like. Because the utopia was perfect, but boring. Boring and dull and emotionless. As it was supposed to be. But it was not….Fierceness and determination. A deep voice with words that always made him feel on top of the world. His name. Something he wanted to hear again and again.

But.

Unsure. Betrayal. Uncertainty. Clouds painted over the fierceness that he wanted. He craved. Traitor. Traitor. And he had to defeat the traitor. To fight him for real. To hurt him. Traitors had to be killed, destroyed. Shattered. For the sake of their utopia. And he should be his brother. Cold and unattached. Able to remove what isn’t needed. But he isn’t. His heart screams. Screams a sound that’s one of many he ignores and protests and pretends isn’t real. Because he’s never had a heart. He’s never felt anything. He’s not broken. Nothing is wrong.

But he still takes out his burning sizzling feeling with his fists against Specters. A hope behind each blow. To return to the way things were. To return. That fierceness. That determination. That one light in the boring darkness that was his….. Where was it? Disappointed. Disappointed. Where was the one who was….not like his brother? Who treated him like an equal? Who fought him? Who made him feel…..

**_Alive_ **

Idle threats and lies. Because he could take away everything from him.  He could. But there’s a look in his eyes. A look. Like that that look. And it’s….infuriating. Because it’s different. It’s not….That fierceness and determination. Against him. Unneeded. Unwanted. Again. Back to what he was. Unneeded. Unwanted.

But in the end, Specter was only a distraction. Only a way to numb the boredom. So it does…does not matter. Only a distraction.

Distracted…from his mission. So he shed his doubts and his distractions and replaced them with his family ideals. His father’s wishes. His brother’s plans. With Necrom. With the power to control others. It did not matter anymore. He could relieve his boredom in other ways. And he would start with…

And he would save Specter from himself. Saving. Yes. Saving. That’s what he was doing. For the sake of the utopia. Heart is not needed. Humans kill each other. Humans die. Specter would die otherwise. It’s not about the way his heart screams and cries and a twisty prickly thorny feeling that makes his whole body shake and stutter when he sees the smiles on Specter’s face. It’s not about the way his stomach squirms and his breath is stopped when he sees Tenkuuji Takeru with his family. Who smile and protect and treat him like an equal and not an embarrassment because he feels so strongly and is so loud and bright and nonsensical and doesn’t even remotely fit into his father’s ideals or his brother’s plans.

His stomach turns and twists. His breath is caught up in his throat. His eyes sting and he feels a fire of pain and prickly hot nonsense build up in him. And he doesn’t know why. Or what. Or if it’s towards Takeru for the way his family looks at him. Or if it’s towards Takeru for Specter’s love. Or if it’s towards Specter for the family he’s found. Or if it’s the fact that…Specter was always…just like his brother. Always withholding. Always treating him like….But that’s obviously…It’s obviously none of the above. Because he feels nothing but the fact that Specter must be saved. Specter must be protected. From humanity. From heart.

Because he will take what he can. He will do what he must. To protect what is important. To do what is important. Heart is of no consequence. Feelings are of no consequence.

Because he is doing this for the greater good. Not for his own heart.

And….And….Don’t disappoint. Don’t disappoint. Return to him his only light, Specter. There’s a part of him that screams to stop. Because this isn’t. This isn’t. It isn’t right. But what is right? Is it not to protect the utopia? To not have illogical nonsensical feelings. To cooperate. To be one cohesive…..and isn’t….Necrom Specter the way to…That’s why his screams don’t hurt him. Right? That’s why his heart doesn’t twist. His stomach doesn’t burn. That’s why this is okay, right?

But..It isn’t.

Nothing is….nothing has made sense in awhile. None of these sensations. None of these feelings. The human world? Specter. Specter. Nothing is making sense. Nothing is…what it is supposed to be. Feelings. Friendship. None of it does.

No one has ever believed in him. Father….? Maybe. No one has treated him as if he was…nothing has ever…nothing is….everything is.

And then. There is nothing.

And then there is everything. Every sensation. Every feeling is suddenly harder, sharper. More intense. The emptiness of his stomach. The knot in his throat. The pressure at the corner of his eyes. Shaking. Shaking. Disoriented…shaking. Just what….just what was going on….


End file.
